I met Meghan during my senior year of college. She was a cute girl with a great laugh and an amazing smile. I knew right away that I wanted to date her. Eventually, I won her over with some cards and persistence.

My story begins, as does many, at the transition of grade school life, to the journey of high school.  I had a very tough transition going into high school.  I left a lot of friends behind who I had known for 10 years and entered a world of the unknown.  Moving from a co-ed grade school life, to an all girls’ high school actually seems like a dream.  I thought to myself that I won’t have to worry about how I look or what I wear because I won’t have any boys in my classes.  I can just focus on getting a great education, playing volleyball, which I adored, and hang out with my girl friends all day.  However, beginning my freshman year, I knew early on, that my original thoughts of high school would soon disappear.

 

Looking back on my high school career, I have realized that the beginning of my eating disorder started early in my freshman year.  At this time, I was not acting on any behaviors, such as not eating, or over-exercising, but I realized the negative thoughts and opinions of myself really took root and started blossoming at that time in my life.  The thoughts of feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, etc, really started taking over my mind.

 

Thinking back, I remember like it was yesterday, calling my older sister crying on a Friday night because I had no friends and no one liked me (at least this is what I kept telling myself).  Even my friends from grade school that came to the same high school as me didn’t want anything to do with me.  I felt extremely alone and worthless.  During my freshman, sophomore and junior years, those thoughts slowly kept picking away at my brain.

 

By my senior year, I began to realize (in my head) that in order to feel better about myself – and hopefully everyone else would feel the same  – I needed to start losing weight.  I began exercising a lot more than I had.  I was still eating pretty normally, but increasing my exercise was my main focus.  As my appearance started changing a little bit, I began hearing compliments from others about how I had lost weight and that I looked really good.  This only fueled my idea that I have to keep this up in order to fit in and be “cool.”  I do have to say that I did find a great group of girls by my junior year that I knew accepted me as I was. But I think I had so many years already of negative talk going on in my own head, that I still did not feel good enough.  By the time I graduated high school, I was a full –fledged anorexic.  I was working out multiple hours a day and eating as little as possible.  I kept thinking in my head: “I am going to college now I have to be in the best shape of my life because I received a volleyball scholarship and I don’t want to let anyone down.  I want to be skinny so I can fit in and not feel so alone.”

 

This mindset and eating disorder behavior set me up for a pretty short freshman year of college.  I, along with the rest of my teammates, arrived two weeks early for pre-season practices.  We were practicing two times a day and working out as well.  By the time I came to school, I was eating a significantly low amount of calories for the amount I was working out, so these practices and workouts were torture.  I knew in my mind that I needed to start eating more if I wanted to be able to keep up, but the eating disorder had gotten so strong by then that I just couldn’t’ get the positive thoughts to take charge.  I wanted to be perfect and not disappoint everyone, so I just kept pushing as hard as I could.  The lack of nutrition, negative behaviors and decreasing weight finally pushed me over the edge.  My coach and my brothers, who were both in school with me, finally thought it was time to call my parents and tell them they were sending me home.  I was devastated.  I felt like such a failure, like I couldn’t do anything right or make anyone happy.

 

After a month and a half in college, I was sent back home to enter treatment for my anorexia.  I felt so lost and alone, but I also knew that this is what I needed to do.  I was very blessed to have so many people supporting me from near and far.  I entered an in-patient treatment center on Oct. 11, 2000.  I lived as an in-patient for a month and then did outpatient treatment for two months.  While there, I met a therapist, who I attribute a huge part of my recovery to!

 

Over the years, I have heard of so many individuals who did not have the support of loved ones to help them through their eating disorders.  I may have not realized it all the time, but reflecting on it over the years, I have been so immensely blessed to have my family, friends, and even others I did not know, praying for me and helping out in anyway they could to help me recover.

 

There were many, many times I felt so alone and isolated, thinking to myself that no one knows what I am going through so how can they possibly help me.  They may not have known what I was going through, but they loved me and would not give up on me, no matter how unmanageable I was at times.  After months and months of therapy, I finally began to see the light and knew I did not want to exist in this life as an “eating disorder.”  I wanted to exist as Meghan, a strong, determined woman, who would not let this disease take control any longer!  I finally saw that there was hope and that I could beat this terrible disease, as long as I believed in myself.  I really held on to the quote, “If your going through hell, keep going…”  I truly believed that God was not going to let this disease destroy me.  He was by my side, even though, at times, I did not realize it.

 

Everything happens for a reason and I believe that God had me experience this time in my life to help be a voice about eating disorders and to tell others suffering that it is possible to recover and live a normal life after an eating disorder!  Are there still struggles and negative thoughts?  Absolutely! But I have learned the tools and have the support and love of my husband, family, friends and therapist to overcome those moments and remind myself that, I have the control now, not my eating disorder!  I choose to live life to the fullest and be in control of my thoughts!

 

To anyone out there struggling, my advice to you is to ask for help!  I know it is scary, but you CAN do it!  I am living proof that there is life beyond an eating disorder!  Stay strong and know that it is possible to be happy and loved again!

• SSM Cardinal Glennon Children’s Medical Center - Adolescent Medicine
• SSM Cardinal Glennon - KidsHealth library
• SSM Behavioral Health Services at DePaul Health Center
• National Eating Disorders Association