Senior communications consultant Mikala Bass shares the significance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and her own experiences.
"I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but..."
No one can prepare you for the devastation that follows that statement.
I woke up around 4:00 AM on a muggy July morning in excruciating pain. I immediately sat up and hunched over, trying to find relief. My husband sprang up, concerned, wondering exactly what was going on. I didn't know exactly what "it" was, but I definitely knew something was not right. The stabbing pain was near my uterus, and having found out we were pregnant about 8 weeks prior, my mind began to take a turn for the worse.
We rushed to the emergency room at SSM Health DePaul Hospital – the pain so overwhelming I could barely breathe. Nurses surrounded me, taking my vitals, letting me know they were going to take care of me. An on-call doctor, concerned with my pain level, ordered me morphine. Tests were run. Exams were conducted. Hours later, we heard it.
"I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you are having an ectopic pregnancy."
My heart dropped. Tears began to stream down my face, despite trying to hold them back. Emotions and questions began to hit me like a powerful ocean wave. What did I do? How could this happen? I never even heard about ectopic pregnancies until this very moment, so how could I be having one? What does this mean?
"Your pregnancy isn't viable."
Queue the sadness, grief, and confusion. Through that whole experience, I could not have been more grateful for the nurses, doctors, and staff in that emergency department who walked through all of those emotions and questions with me. They shared my grief. They relieved my pain. They ensured I received the proper medical attention so I could move forward with hope.
A few months later, we found out we were pregnant again! I was so excited for a redemptive experience. To make a long story short – that was not the case. Miscarriage. Those dreaded words haunt me:
"I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you had a miscarriage. We are going to need to perform a D&C [dilation and curettage] as soon as possible."
I will spare you all the details, because if you have experienced an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage, you get it. It is so easy to blame yourself. To feel like your body has failed you and the little life that was growing inside of you. If it were not for my relationship with God and the belief that all life is created through His hands, and that those two precious souls who I never got to hold, love, or experience fully are being cared for in unimaginable ways in heaven with our Lord and Savior – I don't know if I could have kept trying to grow our family.
Losing a baby, whether during pregnancy or in the infant stage, sticks with you like glue. You feel like a piece of you is gone and will never return. If you feel that way, too, I want you to know you are not alone, and that there is hope and healing on the other side. You will never forget those little lives, and you should never have to. You will always be their mama, and they will always be your babies.
This month, we get to honor their lives and support one another.
Ways to honor and remember
There are many ways you and your families can honor your babies, including:
- Participating in remembrance walks or community events
- Lighting a candle during the Wave of Light on October 15 at 7:00 PM local time. Keep the candle burning for one hour
- Creating memory boxes or keepsakes
- Donating to organizations that support bereaved families
- Sharing their stories to help others feel less alone
There is no right or wrong way to remember a child. Each act of remembrance reflects the love that continues long after loss.
Creating a culture of understanding
Breaking the silence around pregnancy and infant loss helps reduce stigma and foster greater understanding. By encouraging open conversations and providing compassionate support, we can create communities where families feel empowered to share their experiences and seek the care they need.
This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, we honor the babies who are no longer with us, support the families who carry their memories forward, and reaffirm our commitment to compassionate care, understanding, and hope. To all who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss: Your baby is remembered, your grief is valid, and you are not alone.
